The Night Before

Tonight is strange.  It’s kind of like the night before Christmas, full of anticipation and the feeling that I won’t be able to sleep.  The knowing that tomorrow is a day when I will wake before the sun.  But instead of waiting in anticipation for something I know will be good, I wait for answers that might be good and might be bad.  It’s a strange anticipation.

And I know so many people are praying.  It gives me comfort and it makes me feel like I am not alone in this health issue with Big.  I know people are praying for her both here and abroad.  A friend called today and left me a message letting me know the church he visited this morning had Big on their prayer list, and they prayed for her.  A friend of the family from my childhood days let me know on social media that the East Coast is praying for Big.  I am not alone.  God’s family has us blanketed in prayer.

But that makes me examine my theology of prayer.  Almost 13 years my mom had a massive stroke.  And many of these same people, Midwest, East Coast and abroad, prayed for miraculous healing.  Those prayers were not answered the way I wanted, the way my mom wanted.  My mom still suffers from the after-effects of the stroke.  Her whole life changed in a moment.  And I wonder, will mine?

Scripture says:

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him. (1 John 5:14-15)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.  Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.  (James 5:13-15)

Luke 11 tells the story of man who hounds his friend for bread in the middle of the night.  The friend eventually gets up and gives the man bread because of his persistent asking.  It ends with, “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

And I think, God loves me and He loves Big.  Won’t He surely give us those good gifts He promises? 

And yet I remember Paul in 1 Corinthians:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Paul was persistent and his answer was still no.  Like my mom’s answer.  Couldn’t God’s power have been more evident in the miracle?  In the answered prayer testified about both here and abroad?  By the healing that amazes the doctors?

And where will Big fit in here?  What will our story be?  Of healing and wholeness and the answering of persistent prayers from so many believers?  Or of his sufficient grace and power made perfect in the weakness we have when the thorn isn’t removed?  And If our prayers don’t change the mind of God, why do we pray anyway? 

I believe we pray because we know God loves us, and we pray to help ourselves knit our hearts: with one another in community and with God in surrender.  I struggle to trust that truth.  I struggle to know that in surrender to His will, I will find peace regardless of what the next few days bring.

So tonight I will wait with this strange anticipation for morning.  I will snuggle down in my bed with cozy PJs and a favorite movie and hopefully get some sleep.  And I will get up before the sun, and pray my way through the dark night to the surgery center.  I will kiss Big and pray with her before they take her back and wait anxiously, inconstant prayer, with other parents for reports of a successful surgery.  I will love on Big as she comes out of anesthesia (and video tape her if she does anything funny).  I will bring her home, praying all the way.  And we will wait on the biopsy results…still in prayer.  Still petitioning for good biopsy results.  I will pray that this thorn in my world is removed and that I will be able to sing of His faithfulness and miraculous healing.  And I will pray that if I don’t get the results I want, that I in my weakness His strength will show and that I will experience His all-sufficient grace.