Unnamed and Unfinished

               I was fortunate to attend the “Moxie Matters” tour with Jen Hatmaker and NicoleNordeman last week.   Not only that, I had meet and greet tickets.   MEET.   AND.   GREET!   I was in a state of pure bliss.   If you don’t know Jen and Nicole (I like to think we are on a first name basis now, because…. You know…. Meet and greet) then feel free to refer to some of my other posts or continue reading.   Jen is an amazing author and blogger.   And her Facebook page gives me life.   She is hilariously funny, but also so deep, raw and honest.   And Nicole is a singer/songwriter.   These are my favorite type of musician because their songs are typically so deep, raw and honest.   Are you detecting a theme??                I have tons of thoughts and fodder for future posts, b...

I know, there has been silence on my end of this blog for a few weeks.   I had some thoughts kind of percolating, but nothing that was really forming into a blog post.   Then tonight I was talking with a new friend about my trip tomorrow to see Jen Hatmaker and Nicole Nordeman at the “Mess and Moxie” event in Chicago, and it came together. In preparation for tomorrow’s visit I have been re-listening to my “For The Love” audiobook (by Jen Hatmaker).   In one of the chapters she talks about parenting and how the thing she wants most is for her kids is for them to grow up to be committed disciples and for them to love other well, like Jesus loves.   And I thought, “Me to!”   What I want most for Big and Little is for them to love Jesus fiercely and to mirror that Jesus love to others. Jen Hatmaker says, “This is why we live and breathe: for the love of Jesus, for the love of our own souls, for the love of our families and people, for the love of our...

Something beautiful happened for me last night.   A couple of individual I don’t actually know, but that know my parents, blessed my family with a gift.   These people have been following our journey with Big over the past few weeks and wanted to show us their love and concern. One person, a momma of her own little, is an independent consultant for some pampering products.   She sent a bag full of samples of soaps and scrubs, lotions and bath soaks with my mom and dad for Big, Little and I to use.   I have never met this sweet sister in Christ, but she cared for me in a real way.   She took what she had and used it to bless me.   She allowed herself to be the Church. Another couple, again one that I don’t even know, sent cash with my parents for us.   They knew that even with insurance there is travel and meals on the road and medicines and copays and that for many, that becomes a struggle.   This gift touched me more than I can express....

I don’t want to keep you in suspense, so here is the short answer:   It’s not cancer!   I was leaving one of the childcare providers I visit for work and saw the phone number from Big’s surgeon, Dr. R, on the phone.   I immediately pulled off and answered.     Dr. R: Hello Mom, How’s your day? Me: I think whatever you tell me will determine that! Dr. R: Then you are having a GREAT DAY! We got Big’s pathology report back and she doesn’t have cancer.   She has Kikuchi Fujimoto disease.   Do you have a pen and paper, because I know you need me to spell that.   After he spelled it, I of course asked what it was.   Dr. R admitted its really rare and he doesn’t know much about it.   He told me what he knows:   Its benign.   Its usually treated with anti-inflammatory meds and sometimes steroids.   It is caused by lots of dead cells building up in the lymph nodes.   Its usually in Asian women.  ...

  Don’t listen to the song Slow Down by Nicole Nordeman on the way home from your Big’s biopsy… or after any major medical procedure on any of your children… or after any major kid milestone… or maybe if you have kids at all.   If you choose to listen, please know you will probably UGLY CRY.   ON THE INTERSTATE.   WITH BIG.   I just bought the Nicole Nordeman CD, Every Mile Mattered , last week because Jen Hatmaker was talking about it, with Nicole, on her podcast.   I love Jen Hatmaker.   I love the little I know of Nicole Nordeman, and I loved hearing her on the podcast.   So I bought the CD.   I hadn’t listened to it all the way through, yet.     Guys, I am not kidding you.   The song that started after I got Big in the car after she was released from surgery was Slow Down .   Big and I were on our way to lunch. And I started to cry.   The CD has the version where Nicole sings with her daughter, Pe...

Today I am part of a club I don’t want to be in.   The club of moms and dads sitting in this surgery waiting room waiting for surgical results.   There is a mom and dad and two “big” sisters here with a toddler brother in surgery.   I wonder why.   Are they fearing a diagnosis, like me?   I am sitting next to a sweet momma whose daughter, a year older than my Big, is having her Chemo port removed this morning.   Her daughter had a cancerous brain tumor that responded positively to chemo.   She is in remission.   But her journey was difficult and unpleasant. I don’t want her story.   I don’t want my kid to have to suffer chemo.   I don’t want to develop that momma’s faith and trust in the way she had to develop her faith and trust. But, I try to wait and trust…knowing God knows what I need, and what Big needs.   He is good.   His plan for Big is Good.   Dr R. just came and talked to me.   He said the ...

Tonight is strange.   It’s kind of like the night before Christmas, full of anticipation and the feeling that I won’t be able to sleep.   The knowing that tomorrow is a day when I will wake before the sun.   But instead of waiting in anticipation for something I know will be good, I wait for answers that might be good and might be bad.   It’s a strange anticipation. And I know so many people are praying.   It gives me comfort and it makes me feel like I am not alone in this health issue with Big.   I know people are praying for her both here and abroad.   A friend called today and left me a message letting me know the church he visited this morning had Big on their prayer list, and they prayed for her.   A friend of the family from my childhood days let me know on social media that the East Coast is praying for Big.   I am not alone.   God’s family has us blanketed in prayer. But that makes me examine my theology of prayer. ...

  Today I was in the car on my way to a provider visit for work.   I put on my favorite playlist, full of encouraging and uplifting songs that I love.   And I heard this… The sweetest sound, the highest praise, Is the letting go of this life You gave. Our greatest prayer, an act of faith, Is an open hand; Lord have Your way. Take it all - every hope, every dream, every plan. Take it all - every weight, all the shame and brokenness. Jesus, I surrender all - every victory and loss Take it all, take it all 'till all I have is open hands. And I started crying.   On the interstate.   In traffic… and the song went on…. A clenching fist, a life of fear, A burden held, has no place here Cause You call me now to cast it all On the shoulders of the one who's strong. I'm not afraid of what I lose; my greatest joy is finding You Take it all, take it all And I. Just. Couldn’t!   Maybe Laura Story could.   S...

“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.   But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.   It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”                                                                            -- KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacr...

Guest Blogger, Big, shares her thoughts on the recent events with her health. This is 100% unedited by mom... So... Here you go! ‘Sup. Big here. So I heard you want to hear about my swollen lymph nodes . Well, all I have to tell you is that I have no clue about the diagnosis or anything like that. But. I will tell you guys what I do know as of now. I woke up Friday morning (September 1st) with a lump on my neck. Then that developed into a fever next Saturday, lasted for four days, usually just high enough to keep me home from middle school (*sob*). Monday the fever was 102.3 and my mom flipped out. Can’t say that I didn’t, but that’s besides the point. Mom took me to the ER and the took the mononucleosis spot test, and it came back negative. Following that,I had another appointment, not sure what day, but they took more blood and the epstein barr test and CBC weren’t taken so the blood had to be taken again. Super frustrating. Seriously, how many people are excited to have a n...

Laughter is the best medicine.   ALWAYS.   There are scientific studies that show that laughing benefits the body and mind.   I am not a scientist and this is not a scientific blog, so if you need info about those studies, you are on your own.   I suggest Google. I had a chance for a good laugh recently with a couple of great friends.   In the midst of a scary days and weeks, oh how I needed these friends and that laughter.   It all started with a webinar I had to attend for work.   It was in place of a meeting in Indy, and I was all about NOT TRAVELING!   Good grief, my plate is so full with school, work and Big’s health the last thing I needed was to drive to Indy for a 4-hour meeting.   When the webinar was suggested instead, I was ALL IN!! So, anyway, I get to the office and log on.   And some in the group of about 8 participants wanted to actually SEE each other so I turned on my webcam.   It was humorous.   I felt...