Open Hands or La Vida Loca




 
Today I was in the car on my way to a provider visit for work.  I put on my favorite playlist, full of encouraging and uplifting songs that I love.  And I heard this…


The sweetest sound, the highest praise,
Is the letting go of this life You gave.
Our greatest prayer, an act of faith,
Is an open hand; Lord have Your way.

Take it all - every hope, every dream, every plan.
Take it all - every weight, all the shame and brokenness.
Jesus, I surrender all - every victory and loss
Take it all, take it all 'till all I have is open hands.

And I started crying.  On the interstate.  In traffic… and the song went on….


A clenching fist, a life of fear,
A burden held, has no place here
Cause You call me now to cast it all
On the shoulders of the one who's strong.

I'm not afraid of what I lose; my greatest joy is finding You


Take it all, take it all

And I. Just. Couldn’t!  Maybe Laura Story could.  She walked with her husband through a brain tumor.  She is no stranger to suffering.  But I couldn’t.  Not today…. I had to change it.  I couldn’t tell God that I have open hands.  I don’t.  When it comes to Big, and her health, and her future.  I have the clenched fist.


There was a time in my life where I REALLY remember having an open hand.  I was pregnant with baby #1.  I had experienced spotting a number of times, but I had made it to 13 weeks, so we were SUPPOSED to be home free.  I spotted again, I was in Illinois visiting family.  I went to the ER.  We heard the heartbeat.  They told me some women just spot, don’t panic, but follow up with my doctor when I got home.


On the drive back to Tennessee I had time to think and pray and wrestle with God.  And I told him that this much wanted baby was His, not mine.  That I was grateful for any day He gave me with my baby.  I remember the interstate I was on, with mountains in the distance, when I literally opened my hand and unclenched my fist and surrendered that little life. 


And you know what?  I found out the next day that my baby had no heartbeat anymore.  I surrendered and He took.


And here I am again.  And I should surrender.  I want with all my being to be obedient and surrendered to God.  It’s what I preach to my kids all the time.  I profess my faith and my surrender and my trust.  But I cannot forget what happened last time I had an open hand.  And I just couldn’t listen to that song...  I couldn’t sing along to words I didn’t feel.


So I changed it. 


I picked my “pop” music play list and first up was Ricky Martin’s “La Vida Loca.”  Go ahead and judge me.  But Ricky Martin and “La Vida Loca” take me back to my post college years living in San Juan, Puerto Rico.  It takes me back to seeing him sing that song live, in San Juan with my friend Miriam.  And the waving Puerto Rican flags at the concert.  And laughing and singing along with my friend.  It takes me back to beaches and sunshine and rainforests and when my biggest worry was losing a friendship, not losing my daughter.


So today I CRANKED the music and embraced my memories.  And I went to my meeting without a tear streaked face, but with my fists clenched tight.
 
I am praying for open hands, but I think it’s going to be a journey while I live this vida loca (crazy life) for a while.


 

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