Unnamed and Unfinished

I don’t want to keep you in suspense, so here is the short answer:   It’s not cancer!   I was leaving one of the childcare providers I visit for work and saw the phone number from Big’s surgeon, Dr. R, on the phone.   I immediately pulled off and answered.     Dr. R: Hello Mom, How’s your day? Me: I think whatever you tell me will determine that! Dr. R: Then you are having a GREAT DAY! We got Big’s pathology report back and she doesn’t have cancer.   She has Kikuchi Fujimoto disease.   Do you have a pen and paper, because I know you need me to spell that.   After he spelled it, I of course asked what it was.   Dr. R admitted its really rare and he doesn’t know much about it.   He told me what he knows:   Its benign.   Its usually treated with anti-inflammatory meds and sometimes steroids.   It is caused by lots of dead cells building up in the lymph nodes.   Its usually in Asian women.  ...

Today I am part of a club I don’t want to be in.   The club of moms and dads sitting in this surgery waiting room waiting for surgical results.   There is a mom and dad and two “big” sisters here with a toddler brother in surgery.   I wonder why.   Are they fearing a diagnosis, like me?   I am sitting next to a sweet momma whose daughter, a year older than my Big, is having her Chemo port removed this morning.   Her daughter had a cancerous brain tumor that responded positively to chemo.   She is in remission.   But her journey was difficult and unpleasant. I don’t want her story.   I don’t want my kid to have to suffer chemo.   I don’t want to develop that momma’s faith and trust in the way she had to develop her faith and trust. But, I try to wait and trust…knowing God knows what I need, and what Big needs.   He is good.   His plan for Big is Good.   Dr R. just came and talked to me.   He said the ...

Tonight is strange.   It’s kind of like the night before Christmas, full of anticipation and the feeling that I won’t be able to sleep.   The knowing that tomorrow is a day when I will wake before the sun.   But instead of waiting in anticipation for something I know will be good, I wait for answers that might be good and might be bad.   It’s a strange anticipation. And I know so many people are praying.   It gives me comfort and it makes me feel like I am not alone in this health issue with Big.   I know people are praying for her both here and abroad.   A friend called today and left me a message letting me know the church he visited this morning had Big on their prayer list, and they prayed for her.   A friend of the family from my childhood days let me know on social media that the East Coast is praying for Big.   I am not alone.   God’s family has us blanketed in prayer. But that makes me examine my theology of prayer. ...

“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.   But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.   It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”                                                                            -- KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacr...

Ditching the Rubric I am coming to understand that I am a perfectionist in some areas.   Not all, I mean I live with lots of clutter, albeit organized clutter.   I can 100% go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.   I vacuum the bedroom when my shedding hair forms clumps I can see.   But in other ways, I am coming to realize I am a perfectionist. I am in grad school (for my second go around).   I got a 4.0 on my Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership back in 2011.   I got a 100% in my first class of this Early Childhood Coaching Certificate.     I love getting an “A.”   I live my life by that amazing rubric the teacher gives for each assignment.   In classes, if I meet every requirement in that document, I am sure to get an “A.” I was listening to a podcast, Coffee and Crumbs, late last week on my walk (which, has become my nightly link to sanity.   I put on my headphones, I lace up my sneakers, I start my pod...