A Ram in the Thicket


“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.  But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.  It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”

                                                                           --KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope

Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacrifice my Isaac. 

Big met with the surgeon today that will do the biopsy next Monday.  This was an easy appointment… Dr R met us, did the whole vitals, feel the lymph nodes ask a million questions thing.  He let me ask lots of questions, even the ones I am afraid to ask, like “How likely is it that this ISN’T just a strange virus and it is cancer? (His answer was basically that it could go either way… and we need the biopsy to give us solid answers.)  He took so much time with us, and he even turned to Big and asked if SHE had any questions.  He sent Big to radiology for a chest x-ray (to make sure breathing will be fine under sedation next week…and to rule out TB, which was a slight possibility.  The x ray came back clear).

God has given me so many little gifts of reassurance in the past few days.  On Friday, Big and I raced to Comers Children’s Hospital in Chicago to try and get an appointment that had become available… only to find out I had misunderstood and the appointment was at a clinic in a northern suburb… and we couldn’t make it in time… and that after all the racing and traffic and stress of Chicago driving.  But that doctor (Dr B) got us in with THIS doctor, Dr R, first thing this morning.  And Dr B called me after his shift Friday to reassure me that waiting until today wouldn’t affect anything with the prognosis or course of action, and that Dr R was amazing, and that appointments with Dr R would be at Advocate Children’s Hospital in a SOUTHERN suburb, much easier for us to get to with less traffic.  I held on to that gift of comfort God sent to this worried Momma.

And this gift:  The head nurse with Dr R called AFTER SHE GOT HOME FRIDAY to give me detailed directions and advice on parking at the hospital.  So above and beyond the call of duty.  I recognized the gift.

And then this gift… I called bestie Laurel (aka Barbie Swimming Pool Neck…see previous post) to update her on our failed Chicago visit.  And she told me that Advocate is where she did her RN training.  And I KNOW she is a great nurse.  And I know if she felt we needed to go somewhere else she wouldn’t hesitate to tell me…. And I cherished the gift.

And the gifts continued.  I had to drive around Saturday collecting Big’s medical records.  One hospital 30 minutes away had images of the ultrasound, but another a further 20 minutes away (that we didn’t even go to) had the rest of the reports.  And it was a Saturday so I had a limited window of time to go get them.  And when I got to the place to get the records, one of my former daycare kiddos’ momma worked there and again, I saw the gift He was giving me in a familiar, friendly face.

And a final gift… a friend from my “camp” days reached out and told me that Advocate Children’s Hospital is where she took her daughter when she had a pretty major injury requiring surgery.  And this friend and her husband work for a different, well respected Chicago hospital.  And they loved Advocate and assured me we would be well cared for.  And they know what they are talking about since they work in the medical field.  And I treasured another gift.

And so now, I wait with my own Isaac on the alter.  Praying for a ram in the thicket so I can keep my Isaac.  I want this to be a virus, or bacteria or anything else easily treatable.  I don’t want Big to go through pain, or sickness induced by medication, or losing her hair as a preteen girl when other girls can be so mean and conformity matters.

I just finished reading Katie Davis Major’s book, Daring toHope.  The book will be released next week, but I was blessed to be on the launch team.  And I know God gave me a gift in this too.  There were so many quotes that resonated with me in my here and now.  And I pray that I face this trial the same way Katie faced many of hers.  With an unshakeable faith, regardless of the ram in the thicket.

As Katie says in the closing sentences of her book, “The God of all mercy and compassion is using our heartache to draw us closer to Himself and transform us into His likeness.  He will turn our sorrows into joy and he will use our suffering to illuminate gifts of grace.  He will turn our darkness to light, and He will carry us home.  “Chin up, love,” He whispers.  “Hold on to that hope.  Eyes on me, dear one.  I am not done yet.”

We hold on to our hope.  There is always a ram in the thicket.  Because there is always a Lamb on the throne.”

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