Hills, Valleys, Biopsies, and Choices

Today Big saw the pediatric hematologist and  we didn’t get the “just a virus” report I was praying for.  That isn’t to say it is NOT a virus.  It’s just that we still aren’t sure.  She will be having a biopsy next Wednesday afternoon.  And with that we step back into the waiting, and the scary feelings and the learning to trust….  We are back in the dark of the valley.

Oh that trust lesson.  I hate it, but God seems relentless in trying to teach me to rely on HIM and find my hope in HIM.  Why is that so hard?  I love Big so fiercely and passionately, and I know it is only a tiny fraction of how much God loves her, so why do I struggle to trust her in His hands?

I had a profound moment during my pregnancy with Big.  Her pregnancy alone was pretty momentous.  We had miscarried Baby #1 at 14 weeks, and then suffered secondary infertility trying to have Big.  Around the same time as the miscarriage my dad fought cancer (and, thankfully, won the battle).    About 5 months before I found out I was pregnant with Big, my mom had a massive hemorrhagic stroke.  More days of loss and suffering and unanswered questions and prayers that seemed unheard…. But then the positive pregnancy test and the spark of hope.  And Big was on her way!

The first time I felt Big move while I was pregnant was at church.  We were singing “Blessed be Your Name” and Big started moving.  I stood there, with tears flowing down my cheeks and falling off my chin, singing “You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will CHOOSE to say, Blessed be your name.”  I knew what it was like to have a baby taken away… and my mom’s mobility and way of life and her “normal” taken away… But there, during that worship service, God’s act of giving was the most real it had ever been.  It was profound.  I still cry most times I hear that song. (and its usually an ugly cry, too).

After the appointment with the specialist and the scheduling of the biopsy, the song Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells came on the radio.  My soul stopped and listened.  I was in a valley.  My path has been full of LOTS of valleys and precious few hills lately with Big’s health.  But I was reminded He is God of those valleys.  And then the song…..

“And I've prayed prayers to Heaven from my lowest place and I have held Your blessings.  God, You give and take away….  No matter what I have, Your grace is enough. No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love… On the mountains, I will bow my life To the One who set me there.  In the valley, I will lift my eyes To the One who sees me there.  When I'm standing on the mountain I didn't get there on my own.  When I'm walking through the valley I know I am not alone.”

I am so grateful I am not alone.  And I can choose to say “Blessed be YOUR name.”  It is a choice.  I can recognize that He is with me.  I can remember His goodness.  I can acknowledge His blessing in the very birth and life of my Big.

So we face more waiting and more unknowns, but we do it with a God who loves us and is in this valley with us.  He is a God I can CHOOSE to allow into my sufferings and my blessings.  I want to choose Him, not just on the mountains, but also in this valley.

Hills And Valleys

Tauren Wells

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days

And I've prayed prayers to Heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held Your blessings
God, You give and take away

No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the One who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes
To the One who sees me there

When I'm standing on the mountain
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!

You're God of the hills and valleys
Hills and valleys
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone

I've watched my dreams get broken
In You, I hope again
No matter what I know
I'm safe inside Your hands

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the One who set me there (to the One who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes
To the One who sees me there

When I'm standing on the mountain
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone

You're God of the hills and valleys
Hills and valleys
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone

Father, You give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all, You will remain
Over it all

Father, You give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all, You will remain
Over it all

On the mountains, I will bow my life, yeah
In the valley, I will lift my eyes, yeah!

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the One who set me there (to the One who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes
To the One who sees me there

When I'm standing on the mountain
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone (I'm not alone)

You're God of the hi-hi-hills and valleys (yeah)
Hi-hi-hills and valleys
God of the hi-hi-hills and valleys (You're the God of the hills)
And I am not alone

You're God of the hi-hi-hills and valleys (yeah!)
Hi-hi-hills and valleys
God of the hi-hi-hills and valleys (You're the God of the hills)
And I am not alone (God of the valleys)

And I will choose to say
Blessed be Your Name
And I am not alone