Why I Read

If you know me, or Big and Little, at all you know we are a family of readers.  I love to read.  And I read a lot.  As in, so far this year I have read 90 books, and I have 5 in progress.  Granted some of these are reading for grad school, but, still, I read a lot.

So why?  Why do I read?

Sometimes I read to escape.  I love books that remove me from my life and immerse me in someone else's life, even if that person isn't real, but fictional.  When my life is too much and all the things are overwhelming me and I can not even cope anymore, I read.  I remember this coping mechanism being so important my freshman year of high school.  So much was going on in my family life that I couldn't control and I was barely hanging on. I would finish my work I class and pull out a book and escape.  Even now, when work, and life, and being mom and wife, and school and all the things are too much, I can open a book and be absorbed in someone else and something else someplace else.  It is the cheap momma vacation.

Sometimes I read to learn.  I am in grad school... again.  There is so much to know.  So much of that knowledge is transmitted through the written word.  Some things I learn because a syllabus tells me I have to.  Some things I learn because I am curious and want to know (biographies are a big thing for me right now).  I want to know how others think, and how they process.  How someone take an ordinary life and make it an extraordinary life?

Sometimes I read to know what others are talking about.  I hate politics and honestly, I rarely watch the news.  If I didn't read, I wouldn't know what was going on at all.  When I read, I can see the issues, process the issues and form opinions about the issues without alienating those who don't share my opinions on the issues.  I am a people person.  Not alienating others matters to me.

Mostly, I read to feel and to find the words for my feelings.  So many times authors put into words what I have in my heart.  I love book quotes.  I read and re-read sections I like.  Shoot, I read and re-read entire books I like.  My thoughts are not lone islands, others think them.  My feelings aren't isolating, others feel the same things.  There are books where I love so many quotes I can hardly stand it.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from my favorite books:

• I'm so glad we live in a world where there are Octobers.  It would be terrible if we just skipped from September to November, wouldn't it?  -Anne of Green Gables
• Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it. -Anne of Green Gables
• Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it. -Anne of Green Gables
• "It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy.  "It's you.  We shan't meet you there.  And how can we live, never meeting you?"  "But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.  "Are-are you there, too, Sir?" said Edmond.  "I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name.  You must learn to know me by that name.  This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there." -The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
• But courage, child: We are all between the paws of the true Aslan.  -The Last Battle
• Grief is great.  Only you and I in this land know that yet.  Let us be good to one another. -The Magician's Nephew
• "Safe?" Said Mr. Beaver, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good.  He's the king, I tell you." -The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe
• "I love doing preposterous things," He replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection" -Hinds Feet on High Places

Currently, I am reading Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors.  She is also the author of Kisses From Katie.  I was chosen to be on the launch team for Daring to Hope, my first ever launch team.  And I see how God wove that into my world for this moment, these fears, this waiting.  As I wait to know what will happen with Big, I escape into Katie's life.  Oh has this book changed me.  I am usually a start to finish reader, but this one is going slowly.  I have to read, and then think and process and chew on her thoughts a while before diving back in.  Today as I was reading I couldn't stop underlining things.  She said my words on waiting... on waiting for Big's test's results and a diagnosis.  Of the hope and fear of what life might bring this week.  Katie recounted the story of the woman healed by touching the hem of Jesus' garment.  Of that little bit of hope, turned into faith, turned into healing.

"My hope puts me right up next to Jesus, torn open and defenseless, completely at His mercy, completely surrendered...I stretch out my arms to Him and I realize that He is right there, just two steps in front of me, clearing the way.  I push aside the thoughts of "what if" that tempt me not to reach for Him.  I know who I am and I know who He is, so I must touch Him... I reach and I feel that His hem is plenty wide for me to grasp, enough for me and you and today and tomorrow.  Enough to fill and enough to overflow.  Jesus turns.  He gazes into my eyes and He sees me and my fear and my hesitation and my sin.  "Daughter," He calls me, "faith has healed you.  Faith will heal you."  He speaks life over my brokenness... and over all of yours... I want my life to be spent chasing after Him and I want my arms to be filled, not just reaching for, but gathering in the hem of Jesus.  I want my arms to be filled with gathering His grace, His love, His goodness, His glory.  I want to follow Him wherever he is going and be so full of Him that He overflows out of my very arms, out of my very life.  Even when it means reaching out my hand with a smile to a situation that might hurt, that will hurt."

And this is my prayer.  These are the words in my heart that couldn't get out!  Thank you, Katie.  I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me, for Big, for my family or work.  In light of a diagnosis, or still searching for a diagnosis, we are on the day by day plan.  I hate that plan.  I like a monthly plan, or at worst a weekly plan.  I don't do "unknown" well.  But that is where God has me.  He has me in hope, learning to trust.  God is clearing the way and asking me, inviting me, to touch Him. 

So today, I lean in and touch.  I hope tomorrow I am brave enough and strong enough to make the same choice.  But the beauty is that even when I fail, He is still there, clearing the way.

Tomorrow I will put Big on the bus, and then put Little on her bus.  I will go to work.  I will keep my phone on me and check it constantly.  If I haven't heard from Dr. S. by noon (ok, lets be honest, by 10 am) with results of the Epstein Barr, I will call her and see what is going on.  I will call the pediatric hematologist and ask  if he has reviewed the records yet and if we can get Big's visit scheduled.  I will remind myself that this may be nothing.  I will fear that it is SOMETHING.  I will worry and I will trust and I will hope.

Tonight, I will read.  I will escape into the life of someone else.  I will put my life on hold for just a while.....