That Church Girl

I was that church girl.  The one who followed all the rules.  Crossed every “t” and dotted each and every “i.”  An if you didn’t, you were wrong.  That church girl, the one I was, was convinced that if you were part of a church that was NOT our non-denominational, independent, Stone-Campbell Christian church, you were part of the wrong church.  Sins were so obvious, and if you committed any of the “big ones” you needed to fear for your eternity (and of course, I never committed those “big ones”).

That was me.  I hope it isn’t me now.  Life has had a way of dulling my sharp edges.  It has helped me see that there is far more grey in the world than I used to think existed, and all that black and white is slowly bleeding together.

This does not mean that the me of today does not believe in absolute truth, as revealed in scripture.  This me believes that still, heart and soul, unwaveringly.  But this me also realizes that I do not corner the market on salvation.  Or moral standards.  Or forgiveness, grace and mercy.  All the answers I thought I knew have turned into questions. 

What caused the change?  As I said… Life.  Mission work, and living on my own, both religious and secular jobs, marriage and children, and an awareness of society.  All of these things are shaping my theology.  And I know now that bad things happen to good people, not just because I have heard of it, but because I have experienced.  And I have learned that you can dot every “i” and crossed every “t” and still have a struggling marriage and sick kids.  You can even live life for yourself, ignore God, and lead what seems to be a charmed and blissful life.  Following the rules does not lead to a perfect life. 

And I have learned more about the heart of Jesus.  You know where He is?  Eating with the tax collectors and sinners!  He is writing in the dirt when those around him are ready to cast stones.  He is talking to the woman at the well who is from the other side of the tracks.  He is touching the untouchable leper.

That is who I want to be like.  Not the legalistic Pharisee worried about the “i”s and “t”s. Not the painter of broad strokes of black and white.  I wasn’t to learn to acknowledge the grey.  I want to be the one who touches, and talks to, the least of these.  The one writing grace, forgiveness and mercy in the dirt!

I have mentioned that I have been listening to Nicole Nordeman lately.  Her song, “Dear Me” is part of what is prompting these musings.  Read these words, “Some things are not as simple as we said. Remember when we thought there were a handful of some magic words to pray a guarantee and a down payment on a mansion. Remember all the rules we made about the Body and the Blood, the hoops we made them jump through though He offers it to everyone….I'm so sorry”

I am!  I am so sorry for the judgmental High School church kid I was.  And for the young, idealistic mission teacher I became.  I like this new me better.  The me that knows she doesn’t have all the answers and is less afraid of the questions.  The me who hasn’t put Jesus in a box for those that meet MY standards.

Because, “..you cannot imagine all the places you'll see Jesus, but you'll find Him everywhere you thought He wasn't supposed to go.  So, go!.. Go!.. And hold all the mothers, whose babies bleed from bullet holes.  And feel all the hunger, the bellies and the bones.  Shout for the prisoner, cry for justice, loud and long. And march with the victims, as Jesus marches on.  And sit at all the tables, 'cause Jesus eats with everyone.  And dance to the music, if you can't sing its native tongue.  And cry for the wombs, the mothers and the empty arms. And hold high the warriors, fighting now for freedoms' song”

So here is my own “dear me:” 

Dear me.  You were wrong.  You were wrong with all the right intentions.  So now, embrace humility.  Practice grace.  Show mercy.  Extend forgiveness.  And be JESUS to this world. 

 

Dear Me, ByNicole Nordeman

Dear Me
This is a letter to the girl I used to be
Dear Me
There are some things that you should know
It's not my intention to embarrass or to shame you
What's inside the rear-view mirror is closer than it appears
We do the best that we know how, with what we have been given
And the difference between you and I is, I've been given time
In time, you'll see

Dear Me
This is a letter to the girl I used to be
Some things are not as simple as we said
Remember when we thought there were a handful of some magic words to pray
A guarantee and a down payment on a mansion
Remember all the rules we made about the Body and the Blood
The hoops we made them jump through
Though He offers it to everyone
I'm so sorry

Do you remember now the things I said I thought that I deserved
My flag, and safety, a place to learn
The things I know I didn't earn
And bless their hearts, I'm sure it's hard
But handouts don't help anyone
And all the talk about the system
I sure hope someone can fix them
I said those things

Dear Me
This is a letter to the girl I used to be
You'll see, you're gonna take the long way
And there is nothing you could do or say to separate you
From the love of God who made you just exactly as He meant to
And you cannot imagine all the places you'll see Jesus
But you'll find Him everywhere you thought He wasn't supposed to go
So, go!.. Go!..

And hold all the mothers, whose babies bleed from bullet holes
And feel all the hunger, the bellies and the bones
Shout for the prisoner, cry for justice, loud and long
And march with the victims, as Jesus marches on
And sit at all the tables, 'cause Jesus eats with everyone
And dance to the music, if you can't sing its native tongue
And cry for the wombs, the mothers and the empty arms
And hold high the warriors, fighting now for freedoms' song

And love, love, love, love
Like it's your own blood
And love, love, love, love
As you have been loved
Love, love, love, love
Like it's your own blood
Love, love, love, love
As you have been loved
Love, love, love, love, love
Like you have been
Love, love, love, love, love
It's all about love!
Love, love, love, love, love
His name is love
Love, love, love, love, love

Dear Me
You did not learn this in a day or two or three
So ask a lot of questions
But Jesus loves us, this I know
And there are no exceptions