Unnamed and Unfinished

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -   And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm -   I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity It asked a crumb - of me. For a few weeks now I have been in the storm where it was very hard to hear that little bird, “Hope.”   Things seemed so terribly foreboding for Big and her health.   Every sign has been pointing us towards a diagnosis I don’t want.   And each step we take, seemed a step closer. But today I heard the very faint chirp of “Hope” perched in my heart.   Big’s nodes seem a slight bit smaller.   They are still there and they are still bigger than they should be, but I do believe they are slightly smaller.   And as I hear that small song of “H...

  Today I was in the car on my way to a provider visit for work.   I put on my favorite playlist, full of encouraging and uplifting songs that I love.   And I heard this… The sweetest sound, the highest praise, Is the letting go of this life You gave. Our greatest prayer, an act of faith, Is an open hand; Lord have Your way. Take it all - every hope, every dream, every plan. Take it all - every weight, all the shame and brokenness. Jesus, I surrender all - every victory and loss Take it all, take it all 'till all I have is open hands. And I started crying.   On the interstate.   In traffic… and the song went on…. A clenching fist, a life of fear, A burden held, has no place here Cause You call me now to cast it all On the shoulders of the one who's strong. I'm not afraid of what I lose; my greatest joy is finding You Take it all, take it all And I. Just. Couldn’t!   Maybe Laura Story could.   S...

“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.   But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.   It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”                                                                            -- KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacr...

Guest Blogger, Big, shares her thoughts on the recent events with her health. This is 100% unedited by mom... So... Here you go! ‘Sup. Big here. So I heard you want to hear about my swollen lymph nodes . Well, all I have to tell you is that I have no clue about the diagnosis or anything like that. But. I will tell you guys what I do know as of now. I woke up Friday morning (September 1st) with a lump on my neck. Then that developed into a fever next Saturday, lasted for four days, usually just high enough to keep me home from middle school (*sob*). Monday the fever was 102.3 and my mom flipped out. Can’t say that I didn’t, but that’s besides the point. Mom took me to the ER and the took the mononucleosis spot test, and it came back negative. Following that,I had another appointment, not sure what day, but they took more blood and the epstein barr test and CBC weren’t taken so the blood had to be taken again. Super frustrating. Seriously, how many people are excited to have a n...

Laughter is the best medicine.   ALWAYS.   There are scientific studies that show that laughing benefits the body and mind.   I am not a scientist and this is not a scientific blog, so if you need info about those studies, you are on your own.   I suggest Google. I had a chance for a good laugh recently with a couple of great friends.   In the midst of a scary days and weeks, oh how I needed these friends and that laughter.   It all started with a webinar I had to attend for work.   It was in place of a meeting in Indy, and I was all about NOT TRAVELING!   Good grief, my plate is so full with school, work and Big’s health the last thing I needed was to drive to Indy for a 4-hour meeting.   When the webinar was suggested instead, I was ALL IN!! So, anyway, I get to the office and log on.   And some in the group of about 8 participants wanted to actually SEE each other so I turned on my webcam.   It was humorous.   I felt...

Today Big saw the pediatric hematologist and   we didn’t get the “just a virus” report I was praying for.   That isn’t to say it is NOT a virus.   It’s just that we still aren’t sure.   She will be having a biopsy next Wednesday afternoon.   And with that we step back into the waiting, and the scary feelings and the learning to trust….   We are back in the dark of the valley. Oh that trust lesson.   I hate it, but God seems relentless in trying to teach me to rely on HIM and find my hope in HIM.   Why is that so hard?   I love Big so fiercely and passionately, and I know it is only a tiny fraction of how much God loves her, so why do I struggle to trust her in His hands? I had a profound moment during my pregnancy with Big.   Her pregnancy alone was pretty momentous.   We had miscarried Baby #1 at 14 weeks, and then suffered secondary infertility trying to have Big.   Around the same time as the miscarriage my dad fou...

Ditching the Rubric I am coming to understand that I am a perfectionist in some areas.   Not all, I mean I live with lots of clutter, albeit organized clutter.   I can 100% go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.   I vacuum the bedroom when my shedding hair forms clumps I can see.   But in other ways, I am coming to realize I am a perfectionist. I am in grad school (for my second go around).   I got a 4.0 on my Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership back in 2011.   I got a 100% in my first class of this Early Childhood Coaching Certificate.     I love getting an “A.”   I live my life by that amazing rubric the teacher gives for each assignment.   In classes, if I meet every requirement in that document, I am sure to get an “A.” I was listening to a podcast, Coffee and Crumbs, late last week on my walk (which, has become my nightly link to sanity.   I put on my headphones, I lace up my sneakers, I start my pod...