Unnamed and Unfinished

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -   And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm -   I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity It asked a crumb - of me. For a few weeks now I have been in the storm where it was very hard to hear that little bird, “Hope.”   Things seemed so terribly foreboding for Big and her health.   Every sign has been pointing us towards a diagnosis I don’t want.   And each step we take, seemed a step closer. But today I heard the very faint chirp of “Hope” perched in my heart.   Big’s nodes seem a slight bit smaller.   They are still there and they are still bigger than they should be, but I do believe they are slightly smaller.   And as I hear that small song of “Hope” springing up, honestly, I try to s

  Today I was in the car on my way to a provider visit for work.   I put on my favorite playlist, full of encouraging and uplifting songs that I love.   And I heard this… The sweetest sound, the highest praise, Is the letting go of this life You gave. Our greatest prayer, an act of faith, Is an open hand; Lord have Your way. Take it all - every hope, every dream, every plan. Take it all - every weight, all the shame and brokenness. Jesus, I surrender all - every victory and loss Take it all, take it all 'till all I have is open hands. And I started crying.   On the interstate.   In traffic… and the song went on…. A clenching fist, a life of fear, A burden held, has no place here Cause You call me now to cast it all On the shoulders of the one who's strong. I'm not afraid of what I lose; my greatest joy is finding You Take it all, take it all And I. Just. Couldn’t!   Maybe Laura Story could.   She walked with her hus

“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.   But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.   It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”                                                                            -- KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacrifice my Isaac.   Big met with the surgeon today that will do the biopsy next Monday.   This was an easy appointment… Dr R met us, did the whole vitals, feel the lymph nodes ask a million questions thing.   He let me ask lots of questions, even the ones I am afraid to ask, like “How likely is it that this ISN’T just a strange virus and it is cancer? (His answer wa

Guest Blogger, Big, shares her thoughts on the recent events with her health. This is 100% unedited by mom... So... Here you go! ‘Sup. Big here. So I heard you want to hear about my swollen lymph nodes . Well, all I have to tell you is that I have no clue about the diagnosis or anything like that. But. I will tell you guys what I do know as of now. I woke up Friday morning (September 1st) with a lump on my neck. Then that developed into a fever next Saturday, lasted for four days, usually just high enough to keep me home from middle school (*sob*). Monday the fever was 102.3 and my mom flipped out. Can’t say that I didn’t, but that’s besides the point. Mom took me to the ER and the took the mononucleosis spot test, and it came back negative. Following that,I had another appointment, not sure what day, but they took more blood and the epstein barr test and CBC weren’t taken so the blood had to be taken again. Super frustrating. Seriously, how many people are excited to have a n

Laughter is the best medicine.   ALWAYS.   There are scientific studies that show that laughing benefits the body and mind.   I am not a scientist and this is not a scientific blog, so if you need info about those studies, you are on your own.   I suggest Google. I had a chance for a good laugh recently with a couple of great friends.   In the midst of a scary days and weeks, oh how I needed these friends and that laughter.   It all started with a webinar I had to attend for work.   It was in place of a meeting in Indy, and I was all about NOT TRAVELING!   Good grief, my plate is so full with school, work and Big’s health the last thing I needed was to drive to Indy for a 4-hour meeting.   When the webinar was suggested instead, I was ALL IN!! So, anyway, I get to the office and log on.   And some in the group of about 8 participants wanted to actually SEE each other so I turned on my webcam.   It was humorous.   I felt like I was looking at myself in a square from the Brady Bu

Today Big saw the pediatric hematologist and   we didn’t get the “just a virus” report I was praying for.   That isn’t to say it is NOT a virus.   It’s just that we still aren’t sure.   She will be having a biopsy next Wednesday afternoon.   And with that we step back into the waiting, and the scary feelings and the learning to trust….   We are back in the dark of the valley. Oh that trust lesson.   I hate it, but God seems relentless in trying to teach me to rely on HIM and find my hope in HIM.   Why is that so hard?   I love Big so fiercely and passionately, and I know it is only a tiny fraction of how much God loves her, so why do I struggle to trust her in His hands? I had a profound moment during my pregnancy with Big.   Her pregnancy alone was pretty momentous.   We had miscarried Baby #1 at 14 weeks, and then suffered secondary infertility trying to have Big.   Around the same time as the miscarriage my dad fought cancer (and, thankfully, won the battle).      About 5

Ditching the Rubric I am coming to understand that I am a perfectionist in some areas.   Not all, I mean I live with lots of clutter, albeit organized clutter.   I can 100% go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.   I vacuum the bedroom when my shedding hair forms clumps I can see.   But in other ways, I am coming to realize I am a perfectionist. I am in grad school (for my second go around).   I got a 4.0 on my Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership back in 2011.   I got a 100% in my first class of this Early Childhood Coaching Certificate.     I love getting an “A.”   I live my life by that amazing rubric the teacher gives for each assignment.   In classes, if I meet every requirement in that document, I am sure to get an “A.” I was listening to a podcast, Coffee and Crumbs, late last week on my walk (which, has become my nightly link to sanity.   I put on my headphones, I lace up my sneakers, I start my podcast or audio book and I LEAVE MY FAMILY BEHIND!   I try to

If you know me, or Big and Little, at all you know we are a family of readers.  I love to read.  And I read a lot.  As in, so far this year I have read 90 books, and I have 5 in progress.  Granted some of these are reading for grad school, but, still, I read a lot. So why?  Why do I read? Sometimes I read to escape.  I love books that remove me from my life and immerse me in someone else's life, even if that person isn't real, but fictional.  When my life is too much and all the things are overwhelming me and I can not even cope anymore, I read.  I remember this coping mechanism being so important my freshman year of high school.  So much was going on in my family life that I couldn't control and I was barely hanging on. I would finish my work I class and pull out a book and escape.  Even now, when work, and life, and being mom and wife, and school and all the things are too much, I can open a book and be absorbed in someone else and something else someplace else. 

Part of what propelled me to start this blog is my current journey through the unknown. Or at least what I actually recognize as the unknown. Honestly, isn't all of life the journey through the unknown? Every day is full of unknown opportunities and experiences, but I digress... Right now I face some big unknowns. My oldest child, my "Big," is facing some unknown and scary medical issues. This girl is hardly sick, but when she is, she goes ALL OUT! When she was born, she had an infection and a 102 degree fever... and then she had severe jaundice and didn't get to come home until she was 7 days old. When she was 1 1/2 she had troubling blood work with an extremely elevated alkaline phosphatase level found after fighting an unexplained fever we couldn't bring down with meds. When she was 8 she severely dislocated her right elbow. Yes, she is right handed. Our local hospital couldn't get that sucker back in and she ended up at a children's hospit

I have wanted to start a blog for quite some time, but the task was too daunting. Honestly, I could never get past the "thinking of a name" phase. I wanted my blog to cover so many things: faith, parenting, marriage, friendship, early childhood education, lifelong learning, books... SO. MANY. THINGS. And how do you name it when it covers anything an everything? I couldn't, so I just never started blogging. And besides not being able to come up with a name, I couldn't decide what stance to write from. I am no expert in ANY of these things. I am not a perfect Christian, expert mother, amazing wife, never-fail friend, master in early childhood education, PhD or author. So who am I? Tonight, as I was thinking I realized how few answers I have, but how okay that is. God never called me to be finished... at least not on this side of heaven. I am a completely incomplete person. I am a mom in the trenches. An early childhood educator who sometimes has no answer