Unnamed and Unfinished

Today I am part of a club I don’t want to be in.   The club of moms and dads sitting in this surgery waiting room waiting for surgical results.   There is a mom and dad and two “big” sisters here with a toddler brother in surgery.   I wonder why.   Are they fearing a diagnosis, like me?   I am sitting next to a sweet momma whose daughter, a year older than my Big, is having her Chemo port removed this morning.   Her daughter had a cancerous brain tumor that responded positively to chemo.   She is in remission.   But her journey was difficult and unpleasant. I don’t want her story.   I don’t want my kid to have to suffer chemo.   I don’t want to develop that momma’s faith and trust in the way she had to develop her faith and trust. But, I try to wait and trust…knowing God knows what I need, and what Big needs.   He is good.   His plan for Big is Good.   Dr R. just came and talked to me.   He said the ...

Tonight is strange.   It’s kind of like the night before Christmas, full of anticipation and the feeling that I won’t be able to sleep.   The knowing that tomorrow is a day when I will wake before the sun.   But instead of waiting in anticipation for something I know will be good, I wait for answers that might be good and might be bad.   It’s a strange anticipation. And I know so many people are praying.   It gives me comfort and it makes me feel like I am not alone in this health issue with Big.   I know people are praying for her both here and abroad.   A friend called today and left me a message letting me know the church he visited this morning had Big on their prayer list, and they prayed for her.   A friend of the family from my childhood days let me know on social media that the East Coast is praying for Big.   I am not alone.   God’s family has us blanketed in prayer. But that makes me examine my theology of prayer. ...

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -   And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm -   I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity It asked a crumb - of me. For a few weeks now I have been in the storm where it was very hard to hear that little bird, “Hope.”   Things seemed so terribly foreboding for Big and her health.   Every sign has been pointing us towards a diagnosis I don’t want.   And each step we take, seemed a step closer. But today I heard the very faint chirp of “Hope” perched in my heart.   Big’s nodes seem a slight bit smaller.   They are still there and they are still bigger than they should be, but I do believe they are slightly smaller.   And as I hear that small song of “H...

  Today I was in the car on my way to a provider visit for work.   I put on my favorite playlist, full of encouraging and uplifting songs that I love.   And I heard this… The sweetest sound, the highest praise, Is the letting go of this life You gave. Our greatest prayer, an act of faith, Is an open hand; Lord have Your way. Take it all - every hope, every dream, every plan. Take it all - every weight, all the shame and brokenness. Jesus, I surrender all - every victory and loss Take it all, take it all 'till all I have is open hands. And I started crying.   On the interstate.   In traffic… and the song went on…. A clenching fist, a life of fear, A burden held, has no place here Cause You call me now to cast it all On the shoulders of the one who's strong. I'm not afraid of what I lose; my greatest joy is finding You Take it all, take it all And I. Just. Couldn’t!   Maybe Laura Story could.   S...

“It’s one thing to name a place The Lord Will Provide and to believe it when the sun beats warm and life goes as planned.   But it takes something sturdier, a courage only He can give, to believe it too when the night is long and the suffering is deep, when we can’t yet see a ram in the thicket.   It is a brave thing to hope, to continue in hope, knowing that God might say yes but He could say no and choosing to praise Him anyway.”                                                                            -- KatieDavis Majors, Daring to Hope Here I wait, hoping for my ram and scared to death that I will have to sacr...

Guest Blogger, Big, shares her thoughts on the recent events with her health. This is 100% unedited by mom... So... Here you go! ‘Sup. Big here. So I heard you want to hear about my swollen lymph nodes . Well, all I have to tell you is that I have no clue about the diagnosis or anything like that. But. I will tell you guys what I do know as of now. I woke up Friday morning (September 1st) with a lump on my neck. Then that developed into a fever next Saturday, lasted for four days, usually just high enough to keep me home from middle school (*sob*). Monday the fever was 102.3 and my mom flipped out. Can’t say that I didn’t, but that’s besides the point. Mom took me to the ER and the took the mononucleosis spot test, and it came back negative. Following that,I had another appointment, not sure what day, but they took more blood and the epstein barr test and CBC weren’t taken so the blood had to be taken again. Super frustrating. Seriously, how many people are excited to have a n...

Laughter is the best medicine.   ALWAYS.   There are scientific studies that show that laughing benefits the body and mind.   I am not a scientist and this is not a scientific blog, so if you need info about those studies, you are on your own.   I suggest Google. I had a chance for a good laugh recently with a couple of great friends.   In the midst of a scary days and weeks, oh how I needed these friends and that laughter.   It all started with a webinar I had to attend for work.   It was in place of a meeting in Indy, and I was all about NOT TRAVELING!   Good grief, my plate is so full with school, work and Big’s health the last thing I needed was to drive to Indy for a 4-hour meeting.   When the webinar was suggested instead, I was ALL IN!! So, anyway, I get to the office and log on.   And some in the group of about 8 participants wanted to actually SEE each other so I turned on my webcam.   It was humorous.   I felt...